5 photos (around 300KB file size in total).
Towards the End Zone: Palliative Care.
15 August 2001:
I am now in terminal patient care at home, of course, which provides much better service and care than the clinics I dealt with. I feel better with the people from the Brisbane Palliative Care Team, who seem to be competent, compassionate, and caring - three qualities of professional performance which I have missed for months.
Basically, a few things went wrong with the "experts" who obviously had some difficulties to read their own hand-writing on the wall. Ironically, two weeks ago or so, when I moved into Palliative Care, I was offered another round of chemotherapy. I was wondering whether I would receive this cocktail this time for free, like "this one's on the house". I kindly rejected the invitation. And that's it, I assume. I will never hear from them again. Neither the radiologist, the oncologist, nor the gastroenterologist seem to be interested what has happened to me, and what their specific contribution to these events may have been.
I am pretty sure that they have never read and will never read the book:
Strauss, A., Fagerhaugh, S., Suczek, B. & Wiener, C. (1985), Social organization of medical work. Chicago (University of Chicago Press)This book may help them to reflect upon and perhaps to comprehend the organization and above all the practice of their daily work.
I don't know what will happen with me in the near future but I am prepared to walk the walk enjoying the tremendous support from my wife, family and friends. I am peaceful, but I am also still full of humor and in this house there's always a laughter to be heard. I wonder what the neighbors are thinking.
Have a laugh on me, and learn to laugh also a little bit about yourself when you look into the mirror once a day. It helps - promised.
17 August 2001:
How have things changed? Well, the Palliative Care Team reduced the calcium level in my body to normal and together with inflammation and pain management this contributes to a painless 24-hour life plus a very clear mind. Of course, this is no cure, this is just the addition of quality of life to a few weeks before the body does not reduce the calcium anymore and the rest of life will take its course.
18 August 2001:
And some is perhaps stored in your memory or yours, yours and yours, and therefore it doesn't need to be repeated again, does it? You just share what you recall and reminisce over a glass of good vine and always remember to include a lot of laughs because it's humor which keeps souls together in good and in bad times.
26 August 2001:
End of the Beginning
Someone said we begin to die
© Jim Northrup 1997,
During the past 10 days or so I have experienced days of peace, beauty, and balance, which I have never ever experienced before in my life in such intensity. I have enjoyed them minute by minute, hour by hour. I have lived with the flow of time and my life has become "easy". Sometimes, I wonder why it has taken so long to reach these beautiful moments of peace and love. With the manifold loving care offered by Rosmarie and others I am able to spend these days in great harmony, for which I am so very grateful.
As I wrote above, I am reading. Everything I read deals with Indigenous people, either here in Australia or in North America. Amazing stuff, and so close to my heart and soul in these times.
6 September 2001:
But in these final times it seems to be pretty hard to make any predictions. The physical deterioration happens quickly, and who knows what's going in in 5 hours, let alone 24 hours?
In any case, no predictions also means that I have no idea whether I will be able to add more to the "Big C Report". This might be the last entry, friends.
I send love and peace to all of you.
7 September 2001:
8 September 2001:
This house is still as house of jokes and laughters. The "Emperor" label has been put on me by Rosmarie and Regina, of course. Would I dare to call myself an "Emperor"? No way ...
In another development, we have restricted the time I spend with visitors. I feel uncomfortable after 30-45 min with visitors, may they be as lovely as they are. I have lost my flexibility regarding changes of my daily routine. Isn't that strange that my mind needs this regularity, a type of regularity which I always thought was something I would hardly need? Now I have become like a "little philistine", who needs to follow parochial rules to be able to enjoy the day. Oh dear, what a change, which makes me smile about myself again as so often in the past weeks.
11 September 2001:
It looks like I will not be able to continue with the current arrangements for a longer period of time. If I cannot keep my body in an up-right position, then writing will become impossible. My feeling is that I will not have much time any longer. But as you know, I am well prepared and I don't worry at all.
12 September 2001:
I don't want to go into further details. As you can imagine I still believe Gregory Bateson is right, when he wrote "The context defines the pattern." In order to understand the pattern of this attack, the context needs to be analyzed. I have my doubts that this will happen, and therefore we will probably never know why the attacks happened with such military precision planned by whom.
15 September 2001:
I have to call Rosmarie for every move that I need to do. There is no night any longer that she is able to sleep through. Under these conditions it will be only a matter of time when I won't be able to set up in bed etc. On the contrary, I feel that I will continue to sleep most of the day and finally cross-over within the next week or two.
I'm painless and peaceful - Eberhard.
17 September 2001:
Farewell, all you beautiful people, Rosmarie, Regina, Pam, Norma, Kenny, Otter, Kas, Ron, Annette, DK, David, and all the others I have forgot, because my memory isn't working as well as before.
If you wish to comment on the issues presented here, please use the "Healing Circle" guestbook, which is accessible via the following links:
Please accept that I won't be able to respond to comments individually. Thanks for your kind support - Eberhard.
Copyright © by Eberhard Wenzel, 2000-2001